I'm Back Baby

So it has been a very long time since I've wrote, or even been able to think straight for that matter. There is too much to cover so if I jump subjects I apologize. So I have been back from the Army for 9 months now, due to a training injury that ended my short career.

Until just a few days ago, my life has been chaos since I left, and looking back, it was before I left as well. But keep in mind that this article is not a bitch fest. It just requires a great deal of explanation for it to make sense. Going back to the days of high school, as previously mentioned in a former article entitled "Role Models", also the point when my life started to spiral down, I was dating a girl my senior year, and we did everything together, things were going great. Then on that day, Dec 23rd 2006, we snuck off together. Apparently someone notified her parents, right wing baptists, and the authorities, and they pulled her out of school and did not allow her to leave the house. We stayed in contact via internet, but of course this only drove the knife in deeper. Five months of pain pass, and we ended up ending our relationship, in May of 2007. But by June I had my life back on track, doing what I always did, care free, going from one place to the next. In August I went to a party that she ended up being at. Of course as soon as I saw her it all came rushing back in an instant. We has a long fight, because she didnt tell me her parents let off, and that she found another boyfriend. At the time, this only enraged me. Because I knew her, and I said she would end up finding someone else and forget about me. The reason it made such a fight was because she told me right there that she still loved me but didnt want to risk all that again. We started talking again in September, but we still fought an awful lot. And what I said would happen did. She fell faster than I expected and she told me she was falling in love with someone else. So I gave her an ultimatum. She had until I signed the papers for the military to make a decision. If she chose me I wouldn't sign them. If she refused, then I would leave her life completely. She never answered, and as an absolutionist, I took it as she didn't choose me. Throughout this whole period of my life, I was constantly in confusion, and mental chaos. Maybe now the other girls I was with during that time after I was out of high school can understand why I felt so hurt when they left me even though it never lasted very long. It was like re-living it all over again.

So to the army I went. There is too much to be said about the army, but for this thread of thought, I let myself be brainwashed. I became a Soldier. A cold, heartless killer. No emotion, no remorse. After my injury my new way of life and thinking came crashing down. I was thrown back into civilian society.

So still in the mindset of a soldier, and also a very angry individual, I started taking verbal, and mental stabs at my friends. Also the chaos of my mind would not stop. I couldn't think straight, I no longer had my ability to coherently articulate my thoughts. So there was no way I could write anything of any value. Or even talk to a good friend. I also at one point attacked my brother. My Own Brother :( . I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't control myself. Then we lost our apartment because of financial difficulty and for three months afterword we weren't even sure we were going to be able to eat on any particular day, much less pay our rent or bills. I finally got a job, got a new apartment, and we started running pen and paper RPG's aging. I was still in the same angry, chaotic mindset. Not to mention the depression. So then a series of sensitive events happened, that I apologize, I cannot give the details, that brought all the pain of that original girlfriend back to life and in my mind. On the brink of suicide, I cried out for help. And infinite thanks to that person, you know who you are. I went back through my old writings, my old articles, and other things I wrote during the time of my life, when I was in control. I read them and remembered who I was, and why I was that person.

I was the stonewall that my friends leaned on, because nothing could break me. I was the person with all the answers, because the answer is always simpler than is expected. Being completely fearless in everything I did, because whatever is going to happen, will happen, and fear also keeps you from doing things that you want because you might not like the outcome. Whatever will happen is going to happen, so do it anyway. Or you can let the fear control you and you will never know what will happen. All it takes is just to follow another path when one is a dead end to get around it. The peacefulness of being where you are because any moment can be beautiful if you make it so. Pick out the little things in that moment that make you happy, and hold on to them. Harbor no hatred because it only makes you not see what is in front of you.

Looking at it now it is truly amazing how one person can have so much power over you. She has been gone from my life for so long, and I no longer have feeling for her, but the hatred, confusion, and depression stayed with me.

I finally remember, and I will not forget again.