Part time homies not wanted.

Lately I seem to be getting hurt mentally more. And its not things that would normally scar a person, but things that a couple years ago, hell, a few months ago, wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I've been through deaths and breakups and emotional beatings but I've never felt this bad.

I've been tossing this conundrum around in my head for a couple weeks now and I've come to the conclusion that I've started caring too much. I care what people think of me, what I think of them, and if they like me. This has led to a series of unfortunate events which may have cost me yet another close friend. If I could take it back, believe me, I would, but I can't.

So fuck everybody. I'm sick of worrying about people. I'm sick to fucking death of drama and bullshit. I've always told everybody what I think of them. My friends are my friends, period. I've managed to lose all my good friends to either death or idiocy on my part and other's over the last few years, and in my attempts to make new ones I've been devoting myself to them without realizing it wasn't returned. I finally came to the realization today that I was getting fucked over when I was trying to read a blog by someone I considered to be one of my closest buds. My access was blocked and it said that I had to be a "preferred friend" in order to read it. When I contacted said person out of curiosity, thinking my non-classification of "preferred friend" had been a mistake, I was informed that the list of people who could read it was very short and that I wasn't on it, that I wasn't "good" enough of a friend.

I do not understand this bullshit one bit, but I've had enough of it. This is a person who I would have taken a bullet for but yet I'm not worthy of reading the blog. I realize I shouldn't be pissed off about this its only a blog, but that's not the point. I could give two shits less if it was a post telling the world what a terrible person I am (already a well known fact in and of itself) but why classify your friends? Either you're tight, or you're not, there is no in-between. And if there is an in-between I want nothing to do with you because you aren't going to be there if I ever need you. Its a convenience thing really. You're there to make them feel better. If they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to help them do some work they use you like a fucking slave, but as soon as you need the same its "oh, I'm too busy right now, come back later when I have a problem then we'll talk about that instead."

Well you know what, fuck you. I'm going to go back to being the bastard who only cares about what he gets out of it. I've tried putting other people first and it only caused me trouble, worry, and heartache. If you got my back all the time at any time all the time, I got yours. If you want me to hold you up, look elsewhere, I don't fucking need you in my life.