An epiphany of sorts

I actually got some free time to myself today to just sit and think. Not trying to guide my thought process, but just letting my mind wander. And somewhere in that 30 minutes or so of pure bliss I realized something. I've been constantly worried lately trying to read people, and figure out what they're thinking, and to anticipate what they're feeling so that I can help them. Everybody seems to want me to do this, to know what they're thinking without telling me, but I've decided to just ignore it. If they don't have the courage to tell me what they're feeling or thinking about that subject then its not worth my time or effort deducing it so I can give them help with incomplete and/or inaccurate information. I've always been a straight shooter about telling people what's on my mind, if they can't do the same for me then apparently they don't care enough about me to keep my life as drama free as possible.

Now, by drama free I don't mean I don't want to know about my friends' problems and worries, I just don't want all that other bullshit that a few of them seem to think goes along with it. I don't want the hours of deducing the problem from reading cryptic blogs, reading body language while they're talking about other things, piecing together partial sentences, and figuring out the unspoken meanings to things. I just want to know so that we can work on a solution, fuck the rest of that noise.

I sincerely doubt that I ever achieve this with many of them though, and I can't figure out why. At first I thought it was simple fear. They're scared to talk about their problems. But they should have nothing to fear from me, I would fight to the death for them, and they should know that I always have their backs. No, I think it comes down to a much more simple explanation, pride. How do you arrive at this conclusion you ask? Well, its simple really. In each of our minds we have a certain set of "standards" that we hold ourself to, this is our public persona, the person we show the world. And if we have feelings or thoughts or actions that go against this public persona, we are simply too proud to admit it. I find that I have indeed been guilty of this myself, though I would like to think that I could rise above it in the company of my closest.

I could write more but I'm not sure I could get a lot of my other thoughts into words on the subject, maybe after I've meditated on it some I'll do another entry.