I've decided that no matter what the so-called "guiding spirits" have to say. I can have my cake, the ice-cream, and the cookies, all at the same time, and well fate, if you want to try to mess with that for me then all I have to say is ; FUCK YOU! I will have the love of my life, both of them, the music and the man, and there is nothing you can do about it. There I feel better.
So I don't understand pornography. I set down and flipped through some actual porn the other day, you know not playboy the real stuff, and well, it didn't do anything but put me in a bad mood. How can people be so degrading to themselves as to let other people take their pictures while having sex, or playing with themselves or whatever. It is not attractive, or a turn on. It makes me feel very sorry for those people, and the people who are addicted to it, and buy it all the time. I don't get it, could someone explain to me it's appeal? How can people with such low self-esteem and and self-regard, do anything but inspire pity and revolt when you look at those pictures? How is it possible that these things turn some people on? Does it mean that those people also have a low self-regard? I just don't understand it. If you can explain this too me, please feel free, I'd love to hear it.
What brings on this seemingly random post? Well we decided to clean our house, which is really more like guerilla warfare than cleaning. It is literally a battle field. But in the battlefield are the scattered remains of a massive porno collection(hence the above), and art supplies. We have worked on the house for two days now and it still isn't done. You'd think that 5 people together could clean a house in a matter of hours, but this is taking on a life of it's own, and I swear the house is fighting back. Well, bring it on. I'm in the mood to fight, for and/or with, something/someone. as for the very first paragraph, that comes from the resting activity in which two of our household gave tarot readings. well according to mine, I have to choose, between the man, and the music, well fuck that. i do not have to give up one to have the other. I do not have to, and I refuse to compromise on it. So fate can bring it on too.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Role Models
Everyone has a role model. I dont care who you are. My personal role model has always been Marilyn Manson. He is my role model. But that isnt the topic of this train of thinking.
I have just recently discovered some very sensitive information today. When I was in high school, I was the one who was the rebel. The one who did his own thing. The one that everyone hated, the outcast, or so I thought.
It was my seniour year. Before this I had next to no friends. But during my senior year, I made many good friends in the school, even though I hated many, many of the people in it. But things like, people always talking to me, wanting to come with me on my extreme party adventures, and things of that nature, never really sunk in to my head as to what that really was.
During my senior year, I was the typical bad boy. Coming home every night at 1 a.m. on school nights and staying out all weekend. I was partying it up around all the other towns. Of course everyone knew when I was there cuz I stand out like a white shark on the beach. The true metal head that wore all black, bondage pants, all sorts of chains, band shirts. And the one who never missed a concert and always kicked more ass in the mosh pit than anyone else. Of couse that was one of my goals in life. To kick more ass in mosh pits than anyone. Living it up, you know.
But after I started doing that, people started to take notice. And of course at the time I didnt pay much attention. I just kept talking about the asses I kicked on the streets, at the party, and in the mosh pits. Plus talking about the concerts themselves and how good the bands where, and how I got to meet the band members, and things of that nature. Also talking about the wild parties I went to, the booz I drank, the women who I had never seen before lying next to me in the morning, naked, and of course taking the wierd substances, that no one asked what it is, that made you see shit.
I thought I was just making conversation, but more and more people kept wanting to come with me, or talk to me about the things I had done, or the places I had been, because Ive been to almost every state more than one time. I traveled the country for 4 summers in a row. Several of them wanted me to throw parties for them. Then girls who I thought would never talk to me in our school started hanging around me. And now I know that people in that school were talking about me all the time, like some underground newsletter. What did "Red Death" do this weekend. This is what he did this weekend. He kicked some guys ass, went to a party and woke up next to some naked chick, and a nasty headache, and then he went to some crazy metal concert and beat up some more people in the mosh pit. He's so cool. But i never knew this at the time. But the point is that now I know.
Ive been told by an insider that people were talking about me like I was and I quote in the words of someone else, "Like you were God on earth.", and people worshipped the ground I stepped on. This is no exageration either. They litteral wanted nothing else in the world than to be like me. Also there were a couple of people who wanted to be my best friends. One said to someone else, who I now know quite well, "I would give anything to be his best friend." Another example. There was this girl who was always nice, or whatever i saw out of her was nice, but Ive been told recently that that person is a complete bitch. And that whenever she was around me she was extememly nice. Same goes for other people. I am not naming names though. Thats just bad writing.
And of course there was that one girl that clung to me cuz of my "I dont care, and you cant change me, attitude." Always trying to talk to me. Flirting with me every time she saw me, and litterally cutting class cuz she knew that I was roaming the halls just to see me. And yes, I eventually dated her, the only one who could make the bad boy settle down. And that was the truth. I have only had one true girlfriend. And she was the best I coul've asked for. When I was almost paralyzed, I could see her crying inside. She went out of her way to try to be with me at every move she made. She would always stay out in the halls with me until the bell actually rang. And everyday when school was out we would slip around the corner of the building before everyone else came out. Because of my lifestlye, I didnt ever truely date anyone, and I still don't really have time to stay with just one. Its not like I dont want one, but the way I live is just too much fun to throw it away, and you can't party like this forever. But, it is true that once I started dating her, I did settle down alot. But that didnt last, as two months later her parents didnt like it and pulled her out of school cuz she was dating me. Guess they didnt like their daughter dating the rebel guy.
And after that it was back to the old ways. But I did not realize that I, the lowest of the low, was the role model for so many people. Like I gave some of them a reason to keep on. And I also wondered why there were so many people that acted like me, and dressed like me when graduation rolled around. I thought they were just posers, trying to look cool. No, they were immitating me. And Im talking a group of 8th graders, and several freshman, several sophmores, and a few juniors who are now seniors were doing this. It was not just a few people. They were everywhere. I never new I could leave such a legacy. And whats funny is I influenced everyone. If I wasnt their role model, this is excluding my class though, becuase they were used to me, but I was either the role model, or people feared me extremely.
I always wondered why my new english teacher gave me A's on bad work. I overheard her saying to another teacher that I looked like a serial killer about ready to snap. Of course I used this to my advantage and did apsolutely nothing in that class from then on out. I always wondered why the halls cleared when I walked down them. How everyone stared. I thought I was just a freak. But I was so wrong. I also now know that a clique of preppy girls, whom I did not associate with, thought I was hot and that they wanted to date me.
My vision of myself was far from that. I always thought of myself as a fat, ugly to the extreme, and a freak of nature. I was quite depressed at times, but I was good at hiding it. I cant see why someone or even this many people would envy my life. And its not just at my school. Also another school, I have just recently learned that I was like a legend.
Its just beyond me why so many people would cling to such a low life as I. I asked a good friend of mine what he thought, because he was also one of them who associated with the people who idolized me, and he said its not my life, its becuase I walked around as a freak, with my head held high, and i walked in a way that said "Get out of my way. I dont care what you think." And that I also made people feel good when they were at thier breaking point. But Ive never actually tried to cheer someone up. I just talk to them normally. But the point of all this is that no matter who you are, you are influencing someone. I truely dont understand it though. Im just another human being, nothing more. Why did these kids idolize me. Ive been told why, but I dont understand it.
I wonder if the kids of today really do need someone to look up to. Did they really find their life so unimportant that they had to look up to me. I think about that in my terms and I look to Marilyn Manson because he talks about things in his music and interviews that I can relate to. But these kids couldnt relate to me. Whats the connection here? But I can rest knowing that Ive left a legacy somewhere. And that Ive given them something. But to the ones that said "I would give anything to be his best friend," most of them are really good friends of mine, and I have recently looked at their lives, and they are taking the same paths that I took. I feel so bad for them because Ive been down those roads. They bring lots of happiness, but they also bring lots of pain. I know I was strong enough to get through them, because I am a stone wall, emotionally, when it comes to things said by people I dont care about. I do, however, take things from my close friends rather seriously. But some of them are more fragile. And I hope they dont make the same mistakes I did. But some of them already have. I almost lost one friend to suicide because he took one of my paths. I helped him through it. So he's still alive, but he now understands the grave he is digging by following my path. I hope others dont make the same mistakes.
Role models. They have more power than they could possibly imagine. Im the way I am cuz of the music I listen to and the way the band members dress. I almost wish I could make some of those kids understand the path they are taking a little better. But, Live and Learn. It will make them stronger if they get through it.
p.s. I always wanted to put my experiences of that year in writing somehow. Well, I jsut did. But more importantly is I really dont have to now, because it will live on for some time in other peoples minds. And when people start to forget it, it probably wont matter anymore, anyway. The stories of "Red Death", the one who turned the school upside down.
-Red Death
I have just recently discovered some very sensitive information today. When I was in high school, I was the one who was the rebel. The one who did his own thing. The one that everyone hated, the outcast, or so I thought.
It was my seniour year. Before this I had next to no friends. But during my senior year, I made many good friends in the school, even though I hated many, many of the people in it. But things like, people always talking to me, wanting to come with me on my extreme party adventures, and things of that nature, never really sunk in to my head as to what that really was.
During my senior year, I was the typical bad boy. Coming home every night at 1 a.m. on school nights and staying out all weekend. I was partying it up around all the other towns. Of course everyone knew when I was there cuz I stand out like a white shark on the beach. The true metal head that wore all black, bondage pants, all sorts of chains, band shirts. And the one who never missed a concert and always kicked more ass in the mosh pit than anyone else. Of couse that was one of my goals in life. To kick more ass in mosh pits than anyone. Living it up, you know.
But after I started doing that, people started to take notice. And of course at the time I didnt pay much attention. I just kept talking about the asses I kicked on the streets, at the party, and in the mosh pits. Plus talking about the concerts themselves and how good the bands where, and how I got to meet the band members, and things of that nature. Also talking about the wild parties I went to, the booz I drank, the women who I had never seen before lying next to me in the morning, naked, and of course taking the wierd substances, that no one asked what it is, that made you see shit.
I thought I was just making conversation, but more and more people kept wanting to come with me, or talk to me about the things I had done, or the places I had been, because Ive been to almost every state more than one time. I traveled the country for 4 summers in a row. Several of them wanted me to throw parties for them. Then girls who I thought would never talk to me in our school started hanging around me. And now I know that people in that school were talking about me all the time, like some underground newsletter. What did "Red Death" do this weekend. This is what he did this weekend. He kicked some guys ass, went to a party and woke up next to some naked chick, and a nasty headache, and then he went to some crazy metal concert and beat up some more people in the mosh pit. He's so cool. But i never knew this at the time. But the point is that now I know.
Ive been told by an insider that people were talking about me like I was and I quote in the words of someone else, "Like you were God on earth.", and people worshipped the ground I stepped on. This is no exageration either. They litteral wanted nothing else in the world than to be like me. Also there were a couple of people who wanted to be my best friends. One said to someone else, who I now know quite well, "I would give anything to be his best friend." Another example. There was this girl who was always nice, or whatever i saw out of her was nice, but Ive been told recently that that person is a complete bitch. And that whenever she was around me she was extememly nice. Same goes for other people. I am not naming names though. Thats just bad writing.
And of course there was that one girl that clung to me cuz of my "I dont care, and you cant change me, attitude." Always trying to talk to me. Flirting with me every time she saw me, and litterally cutting class cuz she knew that I was roaming the halls just to see me. And yes, I eventually dated her, the only one who could make the bad boy settle down. And that was the truth. I have only had one true girlfriend. And she was the best I coul've asked for. When I was almost paralyzed, I could see her crying inside. She went out of her way to try to be with me at every move she made. She would always stay out in the halls with me until the bell actually rang. And everyday when school was out we would slip around the corner of the building before everyone else came out. Because of my lifestlye, I didnt ever truely date anyone, and I still don't really have time to stay with just one. Its not like I dont want one, but the way I live is just too much fun to throw it away, and you can't party like this forever. But, it is true that once I started dating her, I did settle down alot. But that didnt last, as two months later her parents didnt like it and pulled her out of school cuz she was dating me. Guess they didnt like their daughter dating the rebel guy.
And after that it was back to the old ways. But I did not realize that I, the lowest of the low, was the role model for so many people. Like I gave some of them a reason to keep on. And I also wondered why there were so many people that acted like me, and dressed like me when graduation rolled around. I thought they were just posers, trying to look cool. No, they were immitating me. And Im talking a group of 8th graders, and several freshman, several sophmores, and a few juniors who are now seniors were doing this. It was not just a few people. They were everywhere. I never new I could leave such a legacy. And whats funny is I influenced everyone. If I wasnt their role model, this is excluding my class though, becuase they were used to me, but I was either the role model, or people feared me extremely.
I always wondered why my new english teacher gave me A's on bad work. I overheard her saying to another teacher that I looked like a serial killer about ready to snap. Of course I used this to my advantage and did apsolutely nothing in that class from then on out. I always wondered why the halls cleared when I walked down them. How everyone stared. I thought I was just a freak. But I was so wrong. I also now know that a clique of preppy girls, whom I did not associate with, thought I was hot and that they wanted to date me.
My vision of myself was far from that. I always thought of myself as a fat, ugly to the extreme, and a freak of nature. I was quite depressed at times, but I was good at hiding it. I cant see why someone or even this many people would envy my life. And its not just at my school. Also another school, I have just recently learned that I was like a legend.
Its just beyond me why so many people would cling to such a low life as I. I asked a good friend of mine what he thought, because he was also one of them who associated with the people who idolized me, and he said its not my life, its becuase I walked around as a freak, with my head held high, and i walked in a way that said "Get out of my way. I dont care what you think." And that I also made people feel good when they were at thier breaking point. But Ive never actually tried to cheer someone up. I just talk to them normally. But the point of all this is that no matter who you are, you are influencing someone. I truely dont understand it though. Im just another human being, nothing more. Why did these kids idolize me. Ive been told why, but I dont understand it.
I wonder if the kids of today really do need someone to look up to. Did they really find their life so unimportant that they had to look up to me. I think about that in my terms and I look to Marilyn Manson because he talks about things in his music and interviews that I can relate to. But these kids couldnt relate to me. Whats the connection here? But I can rest knowing that Ive left a legacy somewhere. And that Ive given them something. But to the ones that said "I would give anything to be his best friend," most of them are really good friends of mine, and I have recently looked at their lives, and they are taking the same paths that I took. I feel so bad for them because Ive been down those roads. They bring lots of happiness, but they also bring lots of pain. I know I was strong enough to get through them, because I am a stone wall, emotionally, when it comes to things said by people I dont care about. I do, however, take things from my close friends rather seriously. But some of them are more fragile. And I hope they dont make the same mistakes I did. But some of them already have. I almost lost one friend to suicide because he took one of my paths. I helped him through it. So he's still alive, but he now understands the grave he is digging by following my path. I hope others dont make the same mistakes.
Role models. They have more power than they could possibly imagine. Im the way I am cuz of the music I listen to and the way the band members dress. I almost wish I could make some of those kids understand the path they are taking a little better. But, Live and Learn. It will make them stronger if they get through it.
p.s. I always wanted to put my experiences of that year in writing somehow. Well, I jsut did. But more importantly is I really dont have to now, because it will live on for some time in other peoples minds. And when people start to forget it, it probably wont matter anymore, anyway. The stories of "Red Death", the one who turned the school upside down.
-Red Death
Thursday, July 26, 2007
On the Subject of Fireballs
So the day started off normally enough. I got up, got a shower, and headed into work. I checked my messages to make sure there was nothing to add to my "GET THIS SHIT DONE" list and noticed that I had a bit of shipping to do this morning. One of my co-workers came in to shoot the breeze and I headed back to the supply closet to get appropriate boxes for shipping.
This is when things went horribly wrong.
Apparently, one of my esteemed co-workers decided that, since they had lost the cap to the gas can, shoving a rag in the nozzle was a stand up idea. As I opened the door to the supply closet the door pushed a bolt that had fallen down behind it across the rough concrete floor.
I've heard that time slows down when you're in danger, but I tell you what, the rush of adrenaline was like no other. I remember hearing a screw drag behind the door then hearing a loud boom. I looked up as a fireball headed at me in slow motion. I remember standing and staring at it slowly headed my way and thinking "Damn this fucking blows. Oh well, I had a good run. Hopefully people won't miss me too much." I looked down and saw the gas can, not yet on fire, it had just ignited the fuel that had leaked on the ground and the fumes in the air. I dropped down and shoved it as hard as I could out of the room as I hit the deck. The fireball passed up and over me and I started shouting at the co-worker I had been talking to to grab one of the three fire extinguishers we kept in the shop. I crawled out like some weird 4 legged creature who lacked the strength to walk on his feet and must instead drag himself along as my coworker sprayed the fire down. (Many thanks go to him, he hit my pants leg first before moving on to the main fire, I didn't even realize I had been hit.)
This whole process to me seemed to take a couple minutes, but the aforementioned co-worker said I started yelling for the extinguisher a split second after the boom and he saw the gas can come skidding out at the same time. The boss bought the two of us lunch for our quick thinking and then went to find the yokels who used the gas can. (ahem, salesmen). I'm sure that conversation was rather lively.
So none worse for the wear, a few bruises, a hurt shoulder, and a really bad sunburn is all I have to show for it. Oh yeah, and everything smells like burnt hair.
I'm sure glad I took Improved Evasion.....
This is when things went horribly wrong.
Apparently, one of my esteemed co-workers decided that, since they had lost the cap to the gas can, shoving a rag in the nozzle was a stand up idea. As I opened the door to the supply closet the door pushed a bolt that had fallen down behind it across the rough concrete floor.
I've heard that time slows down when you're in danger, but I tell you what, the rush of adrenaline was like no other. I remember hearing a screw drag behind the door then hearing a loud boom. I looked up as a fireball headed at me in slow motion. I remember standing and staring at it slowly headed my way and thinking "Damn this fucking blows. Oh well, I had a good run. Hopefully people won't miss me too much." I looked down and saw the gas can, not yet on fire, it had just ignited the fuel that had leaked on the ground and the fumes in the air. I dropped down and shoved it as hard as I could out of the room as I hit the deck. The fireball passed up and over me and I started shouting at the co-worker I had been talking to to grab one of the three fire extinguishers we kept in the shop. I crawled out like some weird 4 legged creature who lacked the strength to walk on his feet and must instead drag himself along as my coworker sprayed the fire down. (Many thanks go to him, he hit my pants leg first before moving on to the main fire, I didn't even realize I had been hit.)
This whole process to me seemed to take a couple minutes, but the aforementioned co-worker said I started yelling for the extinguisher a split second after the boom and he saw the gas can come skidding out at the same time. The boss bought the two of us lunch for our quick thinking and then went to find the yokels who used the gas can. (ahem, salesmen). I'm sure that conversation was rather lively.
So none worse for the wear, a few bruises, a hurt shoulder, and a really bad sunburn is all I have to show for it. Oh yeah, and everything smells like burnt hair.
I'm sure glad I took Improved Evasion.....
The Rising Tide
Wet sand
I'm angry
At myself?
Or ar you?
Water between my Toes
I hate that you can't let go
Why can't you just move on
Why do I have to feel bad?
Submerged Ankles
It's not my fault
I told you how it was
So Why do I feel like it is
Up to my knees
I said I was unsure
That there was another
That I had yet to make my choice
Waist High
You moved in
You read to deep
You never really heard me
Washing over my shoulders
Now your going under
I feel like it's my fault
But I never lied to you
Covering my mouth
Now I'm happy
Now your not
And I'm Angry
To the eyes
How dare you
Ruin this for me
Why did you have to hang on so tight
Over my head
I see you dying
I'm angry at myself
Because I never should have tried
Waves on the Sand
I can't see you anymore
The price is high this day
I wish we both had just walked away
The Final Cut
So Life is like auditions for the theatre. You may be good, very good, at what you do, be it dancing or singing, or acting or whatever, but you still don't always get cast in the role you want, either because someone else was better, or you just weren't what the director was looking for, or maybe the chemistry was bad. But you didn't get the part, and now you have to deal with the reality. It doesn't mean you suck, or that you're a failure, it doesn't mean the world is going to come crashing down on you and leave you alone in desolation. It means you didn't get the part there is something else for you, go and find it.
Life is the same way. maybe it's a job interview, and you didn't quite fill the bill, so what, you go find a job somewhere else. Maybe it's a romantic interest, she found someone else, or he did. Big deal, I know it hurts but what's the point in wallowing in it. Go out there and find someone new. It doesn't make you a failure, or a bad person, or undesirable, it just means that in the end that person found someone who they feel is better suited. So go find someone else. All this bullshit about 'you're the only one for me' only gets in the way of life. Amazing people get overlooked because your blinded by your broken heart. Well I'm sick of it. I'm tired of always being the reason people are depressed. I'm sorry, but I'm picky, I have standards, and for once in my life I'm actually using them, I found someone who measures up. I'm sorry that I broke your heart, but be a man and move on. I can't handle all of this melodrama. It's like living in day-time T.V. I know what's on your mind, you think if you just bide your time, that I'll come back to you again. I won't. I have my answers and you are no longer on my romantic radar, so be a man about it, and stop falling apart, you knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be around long. I told you that, but you didn't hear me. Now you have to deal with it, and so do I.
Maybe it's because I've never had my heart broken in romance that I don't understand this reaction. But I've had my heart broken before, when my father died, and I gave up my son, and I recovered, I dealt with it. I moved on, life did not stop, the world is still turning, and I fail to see how I could've wounded your heart so far beyond repair in what was a short-lived romance. I just don't understand it.
Life is the same way. maybe it's a job interview, and you didn't quite fill the bill, so what, you go find a job somewhere else. Maybe it's a romantic interest, she found someone else, or he did. Big deal, I know it hurts but what's the point in wallowing in it. Go out there and find someone new. It doesn't make you a failure, or a bad person, or undesirable, it just means that in the end that person found someone who they feel is better suited. So go find someone else. All this bullshit about 'you're the only one for me' only gets in the way of life. Amazing people get overlooked because your blinded by your broken heart. Well I'm sick of it. I'm tired of always being the reason people are depressed. I'm sorry, but I'm picky, I have standards, and for once in my life I'm actually using them, I found someone who measures up. I'm sorry that I broke your heart, but be a man and move on. I can't handle all of this melodrama. It's like living in day-time T.V. I know what's on your mind, you think if you just bide your time, that I'll come back to you again. I won't. I have my answers and you are no longer on my romantic radar, so be a man about it, and stop falling apart, you knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be around long. I told you that, but you didn't hear me. Now you have to deal with it, and so do I.
Maybe it's because I've never had my heart broken in romance that I don't understand this reaction. But I've had my heart broken before, when my father died, and I gave up my son, and I recovered, I dealt with it. I moved on, life did not stop, the world is still turning, and I fail to see how I could've wounded your heart so far beyond repair in what was a short-lived romance. I just don't understand it.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
4th edition Shadowrun
So now that I've had a while to play it and mess with the rules, not to mention being neck deep in running a very convoluted campaign, I find myself fairly satisfied with the new changes. They've kept the right technological and magical mix. They've delivered the flavor and feel of the sprawling metropolises very well, but yet it feels lacking somehow.
As I sat here pondering it all came to me in a rush. One of my favorite parts of Shadowrun was the dice pool. You know, the extra dice that your character had that could be applied to anything and could only be replenished when the GM said so. (sometimes at the end of an adventure, sometimes when you did something heroic, sometimes for telling a raunchy joke or smashing a beer can with a katana you had laying around your apartment.) This was replaced by the "Edge" stat in the new edition. And several of my friends have told me that I'm just whining, that burning an Edge temporarily gives you the ability to re-roll your dice and therefore have a chance at a better result.
However, it's just not the same to me. Sure, re-rolling all your dice is useful, but there's nothing quite like taking a huge handful of dice, pumped up by your pool, and throwing 30-40 dice down all at once. Putting everything you have behind that one magical sniper shot, or that leap to clear an oncoming semi, or landing the perfect katana blow that separates two vertebra from some creeps back.
Also, Edge gives an easy way out. "I'm permanently burning an edge so I don't die!" It feels like the system has been neutered, giving players a get out of jail free card if they fuck up or say....a grenade goes off 2 feet away. It has taken out a lot of the lethality that made Shadowrun what it is. I fell in love with the game originally just because of that aspect. It wasn't like D&D where if you got hit by a lightning bolt you kinda shrugged it off and kept going. No, you get hit by a lightning bolt, you're gonna be either A)Dead or B)Wishing you were fucking dead. It lost some of its charm when it gave players a free mulligan against stupidity.
That being said, don't get the wrong idea. Shadowrun is still my favorite system. 4th edition cleaned up a lot of rules, and made it much simpler for new players to get into. No more arbitrary target numbers or "rule of six". I think the designers, for the most part, did a great job.
I fondly remember the bucket of d6's, maybe it's time for some house rules.
As I sat here pondering it all came to me in a rush. One of my favorite parts of Shadowrun was the dice pool. You know, the extra dice that your character had that could be applied to anything and could only be replenished when the GM said so. (sometimes at the end of an adventure, sometimes when you did something heroic, sometimes for telling a raunchy joke or smashing a beer can with a katana you had laying around your apartment.) This was replaced by the "Edge" stat in the new edition. And several of my friends have told me that I'm just whining, that burning an Edge temporarily gives you the ability to re-roll your dice and therefore have a chance at a better result.
However, it's just not the same to me. Sure, re-rolling all your dice is useful, but there's nothing quite like taking a huge handful of dice, pumped up by your pool, and throwing 30-40 dice down all at once. Putting everything you have behind that one magical sniper shot, or that leap to clear an oncoming semi, or landing the perfect katana blow that separates two vertebra from some creeps back.
Also, Edge gives an easy way out. "I'm permanently burning an edge so I don't die!" It feels like the system has been neutered, giving players a get out of jail free card if they fuck up or say....a grenade goes off 2 feet away. It has taken out a lot of the lethality that made Shadowrun what it is. I fell in love with the game originally just because of that aspect. It wasn't like D&D where if you got hit by a lightning bolt you kinda shrugged it off and kept going. No, you get hit by a lightning bolt, you're gonna be either A)Dead or B)Wishing you were fucking dead. It lost some of its charm when it gave players a free mulligan against stupidity.
That being said, don't get the wrong idea. Shadowrun is still my favorite system. 4th edition cleaned up a lot of rules, and made it much simpler for new players to get into. No more arbitrary target numbers or "rule of six". I think the designers, for the most part, did a great job.
I fondly remember the bucket of d6's, maybe it's time for some house rules.
a lovely day in the world of myspace
So I was going through my bulletins on myspace, and of course there was only one out of 20 that was worth reading. but i ran into a boyfriend/girfriend application.
ok, no offence to anyone who actually wants a response from something like this, but, are you so desperate that you had to come up with a post like this. whoever wrote this has got to be the most pathetic person on earth. i mean come on. do you really need an application to get a date. and on the other hand, do you really think your so wanted that you have the right to make people put in an application to date you like you have some kind of standard and your so perfect that you wont date someone unless they are as perfect as you. Another thing, why the fuck would you want people on the internet to fill it out. Do you realize how many psycos are on the net. And do you think everything everyone says is true, come on. get out of you fantasy world. this is reality. you apply for jobs, and a relationship is not a job. my personal opinions of relationships ill admit is very negative, and i think they are a complete wast of brain power. But seriously. whoever made a post like that is just stupid.
dream when your asleep. this is reality bitches.
although i do admit stupid shit like this provides me entertainment from time to time. Because laughing at the stupidity of other people, is just fun
-Red Death
ok, no offence to anyone who actually wants a response from something like this, but, are you so desperate that you had to come up with a post like this. whoever wrote this has got to be the most pathetic person on earth. i mean come on. do you really need an application to get a date. and on the other hand, do you really think your so wanted that you have the right to make people put in an application to date you like you have some kind of standard and your so perfect that you wont date someone unless they are as perfect as you. Another thing, why the fuck would you want people on the internet to fill it out. Do you realize how many psycos are on the net. And do you think everything everyone says is true, come on. get out of you fantasy world. this is reality. you apply for jobs, and a relationship is not a job. my personal opinions of relationships ill admit is very negative, and i think they are a complete wast of brain power. But seriously. whoever made a post like that is just stupid.
dream when your asleep. this is reality bitches.
although i do admit stupid shit like this provides me entertainment from time to time. Because laughing at the stupidity of other people, is just fun
-Red Death
If I Was Your Vampire
I was listening to this new song byMarilyn Manson and the whole time a rant was brewing in my head. I wrote it out and I was about to post it, but then I realized, the song says everything i was trying to say better. So im just going to post the song. I hope you can understand what the symbolism and imagery really means, because this song really is what i feel, and what ive felt for a long time. Marilyn Manson, in an interview, said that he was like a vampire. Nothing could bring him down. But a knife through his heart nearly destroyed him. His imagery turns everything that was normally good is actually bad. The dusk of night was actually the only time he could be whole again. Like the song says, We build this coffin together, but I fill it alone. They build their life together, but death comes early for him because she leaves and he has to fill it alone.
-Red Death
-Red Death
Monday, July 23, 2007
On Learning How to Manipulate Yourself
So here I sit pondering my past and what it means for my future. The conclusion I've come to is it doesn't mean anything for my future. So many people put too much into 'where they've been' and 'what they've been through'. I try to be like that, but I find in one aspect of my life I can't help it.*(disclaimer: this is not me bitching about what horrible people men are, I am actually bitching about myself and girl like me)* Why is it that when it comes to romance I continually block myself, why do I hurt the guy that actually means something to me? Why do I date the asshole that I know is a bad guy and that I know I will eventually break up with and then have to deal with that drama? The answer I have come up is self-manipulation through fear. In short I'm afraid of love. If you really think about it, I think you'll find that most people are. For me, when I look at the men in my past and possibilities in my future, I always see myself as the harlot, the whore, the one who used that guy for what she wanted, be it physical, mental, monetary, whatever, I see myself as the manipulator, the seductress, the one who is always in the wrong. I see myself like that, because that is truly what I used to be. (Now don't get the wrong idea, I was never a whore in the sense that I was easy or slutty, I use the word because it has a harshness to it that is needed to imply the ragged emotion.) But no longer am I that person, so why do I continue to punish myself for the mistakes I made in the past? What is it that makes me continue to drive away the guy that I know is good for me? Is it because I'm afraid I'll hurt him, or myself? The truth is I don't know. I do know that I'm tired of settling for second-rate, that I no longer am ok with going for the guy that I'm not really attracted to because I know he'll treat me right. I'm done with that, and done with dating the gorgeous guy whose also an asshole. I'm looking for the whole thing, the marriage material package. The guy that will treat me well, and that I'm attracted to. I'm not looking for perfection, but I am looking for patience. I run away from love and I need a guy who understands that what I want scares the shit out of me, but I want it anyway. I am not high-maintenace in the usual sense of the word, I'm pretty laid back, but need a guy who can handle all of my fear, and is willing to wait for me, and is willing to tell me no, who will fight with me and for me, as I will do for him, who will chase me without me a second thought. It sounds like a lot, but I don't think it is, because even as I look back on my darker days of harlotry, I see those qualities in myself. That is way I treat my man, and I need a man who is willing to, and ready to, return the favor.
No wonder
When you go to Alaska, Michigan will seem warm. When you spend a long time in a dark room, light bulbs can be blinding. When you listen to music extrememly loud, yelling seems like normal speach. Deafening or heightening senses are something that everyone has experienced. Extremes make normal things seem duller, extremes become normal, and oposite extremes become normal. When your mind has been broken, normal activities seem hard. Pain seems like pleasure. Normally fun things become unsatisfying. These normal things are magnified into extremes, both negative and positive. But when an opposite extreme comes into play, it can have very destructive effects. Such as the dark room metaphor. What if you stayed in a dark room for a week and all of a sudden looked at the sun? It hurts enough when your used to the light, but the normals have become extreme, and the extremes become devastating. No wonder those with broken minds seem to be unstable. No wonder playful insults hurt them so much. No wonder it takes something extremely good to cheer them up, because normal happyness has been dulled. No wonder they turn to other things to feel normal again.
No wonder they dont last very long.
-Red Death
No wonder they dont last very long.
-Red Death
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Once
I could've loved you once
Sometimes I think I did
You were like rain in the desert
And then you were the sand
The Comfort of a blanket
And then you were gone
The terrain of me is treacherous
It's full of traps and holes
It takes a gallant adventurer
You sank in my mire
But still I held the thought of you
I waited in my center
I looked and looked and called for you
I knew you would not answer
When the truth finally came to me
About your demise
I couldn't help but laugh a little
At desires cruel disguise
There was a time in my heart
When there was room for you
But now that room is locked and guarded
A key there is to find
And if you are brave enough
You might unlock the door
To a room where no light shines
no wind blows, only me
I could've loved you once
Sometimes I think I did
- Deceitful Void
Sometimes I think I did
You were like rain in the desert
And then you were the sand
The Comfort of a blanket
And then you were gone
The terrain of me is treacherous
It's full of traps and holes
It takes a gallant adventurer
You sank in my mire
But still I held the thought of you
I waited in my center
I looked and looked and called for you
I knew you would not answer
When the truth finally came to me
About your demise
I couldn't help but laugh a little
At desires cruel disguise
There was a time in my heart
When there was room for you
But now that room is locked and guarded
A key there is to find
And if you are brave enough
You might unlock the door
To a room where no light shines
no wind blows, only me
I could've loved you once
Sometimes I think I did
- Deceitful Void
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The Sting
Salt in the air
Stings my eyes
The soft carpet sinks
It holds me in place
In the back I see the door
It bangs inside the breeze
The bloody tiles stain the floor
The man is on his knees
Iron singes my nose
The acrid scent uplifting
A morbid clarity unfolding
The sincerity is fitting
Sickly sound squish through my hears
The man is on his face
The crimson trail is on the ground
His thoughts dragged in disgrace
The lock clicks decidedly
The liquid tinkles in reply
For everything there is a place
A place for everyone to die
- Deceitful Void
Stings my eyes
The soft carpet sinks
It holds me in place
In the back I see the door
It bangs inside the breeze
The bloody tiles stain the floor
The man is on his knees
Iron singes my nose
The acrid scent uplifting
A morbid clarity unfolding
The sincerity is fitting
Sickly sound squish through my hears
The man is on his face
The crimson trail is on the ground
His thoughts dragged in disgrace
The lock clicks decidedly
The liquid tinkles in reply
For everything there is a place
A place for everyone to die
- Deceitful Void
Friday, July 20, 2007
Ode to the nice guys
Somebody, somewhere, has already said something better than you could say it yourself, so instead of writing out a rant that could be construed as plagiarism, I'll simply post up an essay that contains everything I'm thinking at the moment (and possibly more), and give credit where credit is due.
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003
Original Location
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003
Original Location
Rituals
When the spiritual teacher and his disciples began their evening meditation, the cat who lived in the monastery made such noise that it distracted them. So the teacher ordered that the cat be tied up during the evening practice. Years later, when the teacher died, the cat continued to be tied up during the meditation session. And when the cat eventually died, another cat was brought to the monastery and tied up. Centuries later, learned descendants of the spiritual teacher wrote scholarly treatises about the religious significance of tying up a cat for meditation practice.
-Depraved Mind
-Depraved Mind
Thursday, July 19, 2007
the worst kind of pain
Most don't know the pain to have the one thing you want most be a hundred feet from you. You can sit there, and look at it, and wish it were yours, but you cant reach it. Nor can it come to you. And if you were to go to it, it would be destoyed right in front of you. And if it were to come to you, you would be destroyed. So you sit there. Staring in through the light. It is a pain that I hope i never have to feel again. Its left its scar on my mind, and changed my whole outlook on life. What can you truely do when the whole world is keeping your from what you want.
Red Death
Red Death
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
its times like these
its times like these that i truly enjoy metal music the most. when i feel like everything is going the way i want them to and i can concentrate on other things again. When i listen to it, its like i can feel the destruction of those i hate. watching the fruits of brutality in the form of sound. the strums of the guitars is like listening to gunshots of retribution and combat. The drums are like the sounds of war drums in the distance, signaling to the world about whats coming their way. the screams are like my own coming out and unleashing all my hate and aggression out to the world. in my mind i imagin the slaughter of those who stand in my way. their blood on my clothes representing my triumph. yes, i really do love violence, and malvolence. its the only way i know im still alive and no longer dreaming
yes, there really is no feeling like this. the combination of my truimph mixed sweetly with my agression. yes, it really is times like these, that i feel the most alive, and in control of my life.
Red Death
yes, there really is no feeling like this. the combination of my truimph mixed sweetly with my agression. yes, it really is times like these, that i feel the most alive, and in control of my life.
Red Death
Monday, July 16, 2007
Marilyn Manson speech on violence
I don't know and don't really care what your views on him is, but you should watch this video. The man is a certified genius and makes several valid points in this speech.
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