Role Models

Everyone has a role model. I dont care who you are. My personal role model has always been Marilyn Manson. He is my role model. But that isnt the topic of this train of thinking.

I have just recently discovered some very sensitive information today. When I was in high school, I was the one who was the rebel. The one who did his own thing. The one that everyone hated, the outcast, or so I thought.

It was my seniour year. Before this I had next to no friends. But during my senior year, I made many good friends in the school, even though I hated many, many of the people in it. But things like, people always talking to me, wanting to come with me on my extreme party adventures, and things of that nature, never really sunk in to my head as to what that really was.

During my senior year, I was the typical bad boy. Coming home every night at 1 a.m. on school nights and staying out all weekend. I was partying it up around all the other towns. Of course everyone knew when I was there cuz I stand out like a white shark on the beach. The true metal head that wore all black, bondage pants, all sorts of chains, band shirts. And the one who never missed a concert and always kicked more ass in the mosh pit than anyone else. Of couse that was one of my goals in life. To kick more ass in mosh pits than anyone. Living it up, you know.

But after I started doing that, people started to take notice. And of course at the time I didnt pay much attention. I just kept talking about the asses I kicked on the streets, at the party, and in the mosh pits. Plus talking about the concerts themselves and how good the bands where, and how I got to meet the band members, and things of that nature. Also talking about the wild parties I went to, the booz I drank, the women who I had never seen before lying next to me in the morning, naked, and of course taking the wierd substances, that no one asked what it is, that made you see shit.

I thought I was just making conversation, but more and more people kept wanting to come with me, or talk to me about the things I had done, or the places I had been, because Ive been to almost every state more than one time. I traveled the country for 4 summers in a row. Several of them wanted me to throw parties for them. Then girls who I thought would never talk to me in our school started hanging around me. And now I know that people in that school were talking about me all the time, like some underground newsletter. What did "Red Death" do this weekend. This is what he did this weekend. He kicked some guys ass, went to a party and woke up next to some naked chick, and a nasty headache, and then he went to some crazy metal concert and beat up some more people in the mosh pit. He's so cool. But i never knew this at the time. But the point is that now I know.

Ive been told by an insider that people were talking about me like I was and I quote in the words of someone else, "Like you were God on earth.", and people worshipped the ground I stepped on. This is no exageration either. They litteral wanted nothing else in the world than to be like me. Also there were a couple of people who wanted to be my best friends. One said to someone else, who I now know quite well, "I would give anything to be his best friend." Another example. There was this girl who was always nice, or whatever i saw out of her was nice, but Ive been told recently that that person is a complete bitch. And that whenever she was around me she was extememly nice. Same goes for other people. I am not naming names though. Thats just bad writing.

And of course there was that one girl that clung to me cuz of my "I dont care, and you cant change me, attitude." Always trying to talk to me. Flirting with me every time she saw me, and litterally cutting class cuz she knew that I was roaming the halls just to see me. And yes, I eventually dated her, the only one who could make the bad boy settle down. And that was the truth. I have only had one true girlfriend. And she was the best I coul've asked for. When I was almost paralyzed, I could see her crying inside. She went out of her way to try to be with me at every move she made. She would always stay out in the halls with me until the bell actually rang. And everyday when school was out we would slip around the corner of the building before everyone else came out. Because of my lifestlye, I didnt ever truely date anyone, and I still don't really have time to stay with just one. Its not like I dont want one, but the way I live is just too much fun to throw it away, and you can't party like this forever. But, it is true that once I started dating her, I did settle down alot. But that didnt last, as two months later her parents didnt like it and pulled her out of school cuz she was dating me. Guess they didnt like their daughter dating the rebel guy.

And after that it was back to the old ways. But I did not realize that I, the lowest of the low, was the role model for so many people. Like I gave some of them a reason to keep on. And I also wondered why there were so many people that acted like me, and dressed like me when graduation rolled around. I thought they were just posers, trying to look cool. No, they were immitating me. And Im talking a group of 8th graders, and several freshman, several sophmores, and a few juniors who are now seniors were doing this. It was not just a few people. They were everywhere. I never new I could leave such a legacy. And whats funny is I influenced everyone. If I wasnt their role model, this is excluding my class though, becuase they were used to me, but I was either the role model, or people feared me extremely.

I always wondered why my new english teacher gave me A's on bad work. I overheard her saying to another teacher that I looked like a serial killer about ready to snap. Of course I used this to my advantage and did apsolutely nothing in that class from then on out. I always wondered why the halls cleared when I walked down them. How everyone stared. I thought I was just a freak. But I was so wrong. I also now know that a clique of preppy girls, whom I did not associate with, thought I was hot and that they wanted to date me.

My vision of myself was far from that. I always thought of myself as a fat, ugly to the extreme, and a freak of nature. I was quite depressed at times, but I was good at hiding it. I cant see why someone or even this many people would envy my life. And its not just at my school. Also another school, I have just recently learned that I was like a legend.

Its just beyond me why so many people would cling to such a low life as I. I asked a good friend of mine what he thought, because he was also one of them who associated with the people who idolized me, and he said its not my life, its becuase I walked around as a freak, with my head held high, and i walked in a way that said "Get out of my way. I dont care what you think." And that I also made people feel good when they were at thier breaking point. But Ive never actually tried to cheer someone up. I just talk to them normally. But the point of all this is that no matter who you are, you are influencing someone. I truely dont understand it though. Im just another human being, nothing more. Why did these kids idolize me. Ive been told why, but I dont understand it.

I wonder if the kids of today really do need someone to look up to. Did they really find their life so unimportant that they had to look up to me. I think about that in my terms and I look to Marilyn Manson because he talks about things in his music and interviews that I can relate to. But these kids couldnt relate to me. Whats the connection here? But I can rest knowing that Ive left a legacy somewhere. And that Ive given them something. But to the ones that said "I would give anything to be his best friend," most of them are really good friends of mine, and I have recently looked at their lives, and they are taking the same paths that I took. I feel so bad for them because Ive been down those roads. They bring lots of happiness, but they also bring lots of pain. I know I was strong enough to get through them, because I am a stone wall, emotionally, when it comes to things said by people I dont care about. I do, however, take things from my close friends rather seriously. But some of them are more fragile. And I hope they dont make the same mistakes I did. But some of them already have. I almost lost one friend to suicide because he took one of my paths. I helped him through it. So he's still alive, but he now understands the grave he is digging by following my path. I hope others dont make the same mistakes.

Role models. They have more power than they could possibly imagine. Im the way I am cuz of the music I listen to and the way the band members dress. I almost wish I could make some of those kids understand the path they are taking a little better. But, Live and Learn. It will make them stronger if they get through it.

p.s. I always wanted to put my experiences of that year in writing somehow. Well, I jsut did. But more importantly is I really dont have to now, because it will live on for some time in other peoples minds. And when people start to forget it, it probably wont matter anymore, anyway. The stories of "Red Death", the one who turned the school upside down.

-Red Death