On Learning How to Manipulate Yourself

So here I sit pondering my past and what it means for my future. The conclusion I've come to is it doesn't mean anything for my future. So many people put too much into 'where they've been' and 'what they've been through'. I try to be like that, but I find in one aspect of my life I can't help it.*(disclaimer: this is not me bitching about what horrible people men are, I am actually bitching about myself and girl like me)* Why is it that when it comes to romance I continually block myself, why do I hurt the guy that actually means something to me? Why do I date the asshole that I know is a bad guy and that I know I will eventually break up with and then have to deal with that drama? The answer I have come up is self-manipulation through fear. In short I'm afraid of love. If you really think about it, I think you'll find that most people are. For me, when I look at the men in my past and possibilities in my future, I always see myself as the harlot, the whore, the one who used that guy for what she wanted, be it physical, mental, monetary, whatever, I see myself as the manipulator, the seductress, the one who is always in the wrong. I see myself like that, because that is truly what I used to be. (Now don't get the wrong idea, I was never a whore in the sense that I was easy or slutty, I use the word because it has a harshness to it that is needed to imply the ragged emotion.) But no longer am I that person, so why do I continue to punish myself for the mistakes I made in the past? What is it that makes me continue to drive away the guy that I know is good for me? Is it because I'm afraid I'll hurt him, or myself? The truth is I don't know. I do know that I'm tired of settling for second-rate, that I no longer am ok with going for the guy that I'm not really attracted to because I know he'll treat me right. I'm done with that, and done with dating the gorgeous guy whose also an asshole. I'm looking for the whole thing, the marriage material package. The guy that will treat me well, and that I'm attracted to. I'm not looking for perfection, but I am looking for patience. I run away from love and I need a guy who understands that what I want scares the shit out of me, but I want it anyway. I am not high-maintenace in the usual sense of the word, I'm pretty laid back, but need a guy who can handle all of my fear, and is willing to wait for me, and is willing to tell me no, who will fight with me and for me, as I will do for him, who will chase me without me a second thought. It sounds like a lot, but I don't think it is, because even as I look back on my darker days of harlotry, I see those qualities in myself. That is way I treat my man, and I need a man who is willing to, and ready to, return the favor.